Double Dutch

Nathan Grover

Panda Bear, Panda Bear, eats your feet / Serves them up with cream of wheat / He B-I-T-E bites them / and S-U-C-K sucks them / he L-I-C-K licks them / And when he's done he chucks them / now here comes your boyfriend ready to hump / run away, run away on your stumps / A, B, C, D, E, F

Your boyfriend's name is Fatso / he hales from El Paso / and when you get married / he'll hump his secretary / [double time] Now get to the chapel and don't be late / how many razorblades in your cake? / one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...

Listen to your mother / and kiss your little brother / put poison in his bottle / and watch him weeble-wobble / but you won't be a laughin' / when he grows up to be captain / march to the east! [180 degree turn] / march to the west! [180 degree turn] / naughty little girls don't get no rest! / who's the boy that you like best? / A, B, C, D, E, F, G

Your boyfriend's name is Gus / he rides the little bus / and when you have his babies / they'll all come out with rabies / [double time] Now ride to the chapel on the little bus / how many babies drool and fuss? / one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve...

Jippity-jump on you're mama's bed / 'til you pass out and hit your head!

* * * *

Hot Coals

(played with a hopscotch board, a jump rope, and two bean bags)

1. "Now, Gracie, where do we sit on the first day so that the teacher notices how smart and attentive we are?" "Front row." "Right! We want the teacher to remember us as polite and quiet, not a jabber-jaws. A good first impression is so important; it will last you the rest of the year, who knows? maybe even the rest of your life! And, let me tell you, sitting in the front will be the only way to keep those little stinkers from dropping their pencils to sneak a peek up our skirts too." "Mom, a skirt?" "Of course a skirt honey; we'll look so cute in our new blue skirt."

2. Hot Coals! You lost your leg! Walk the aisle with a peg!

3. "Gracie! We don't do that now do we honey, wiping our hands on Mr. Finkle like that, like he was a big tissue. What do we say to Mr. Finkle honey?" "Sorry sir." "Say: we're so impressed with your dapper gray suit Mr. Finkle we just couldn't keep our candy-sticky hands off it. We just couldn't help ourselves could we honey?" "Just couldn't help it." "We're still learning our manners aren't we? Still learning that mommy and daddy's play friends play different than our play friends. It was an honest mistake right honey?" "Honest Mr. Finkle." "Now why don't we go wash our hands before we send someone else to the dry cleaners."

4. "How many times must I say, we don't bring our playthings to the table, especially when those playthings are dirty filthy disgusting worms?" "But--" "But nothing. We don't play in the dirt like a boy; only little boys get messy and pull slimy worms from the dirt." "From the garden." "I don't care where from. Really Gracie, what were we thinking? Mommy's taught us better than this"

5. "And just when I thought I'd seen every last thing we go and make the mother of all messes! Just what did we think we were doing in here?" "Baking." "Well why don't we just leave the baking to Mommy from now on. That's my job around here anyway."

6. Hot Coals! You lost your leg! Walk the aisle with a peg!

7. "But what about when I'm older?" "There's no reason to be afraid then either because when we grow up we'll marry a man with a big manly hairy chest too, just like dad, and he'll make sure there is nothing scary growling in the hamper or in the closet. We'll always have someone to help us not be afraid!"

8. "Oh Honey, not again! We must stop hitting our head on things. That goose egg looks just terrible, just dreadful." "Goose egg?" "What were we playing? Tag? Tetherball again?" "Hot Coals." "Hot Coals? That doesn't sound like a very safe game to me. Maybe we should play something else next time."

* * * *

November 5, 1985

Re: New Bicycle-Barbie Helmet Policy

Dear Faculty,

Due to the alarming number of injuries sustained on the playground this year, a new policy has been instituted. This policy was brought before the board and approved at the October 30th PTA meeting. Any students wishing to check-out a jump rope for recess will be required to wear the Bicycle-Barbie Helmet to ensure their safety. Please notify your students of this new policy.

The Bicycle-Barbie Helmets are made available through a charitable donation from Mattel Resources For Children and due to the efforts of Mattel employee and involved parent, Holly Yechtman, who offered the solution at the aforementioned meeting when funding for the policy seemed impossible. We thank Mattel for their generosity and Mrs. Yechtman for her dedication. The Bicycle-Barbie Helmet is the accessory supplied standard with the Bicycle-Barbie doll, only H.H. Elementary has received a special production order with the helmet enlarged to fit the head of a child. Your students will enjoy wearing the Bicycle-Barbie Helmet. The protective plastic coating glitters with the trademark Barbie Pink. It is decorated with glitter stars and the Barbie Logo on both front and back. The Bicycle-Barbie Helmets have arrived recently; please pick up your class' issue at the main office.

As per H.H. Heisermann Elementary's agreement with Mattel Resources for Children, faculty are obligated to consistently refer to the cranial protection apparatus as the Bicycle-Barbie Helmet and to encourage their students to do the same. Teachers on yard duty will be responsible to ensure that the Bicycle-Barbie Helmet is worn correctly by jump-roping students. Male students who wish to jump-rope are also required to wear the Bicycle-Barbie Helmet.

Thank you for making H.H. Heisermann Elementary a safer place for education.

Principal Francis Melon